my life as an autistic woman

Hello! And welcome to another day here on lots of lemons!

Today, I want to talk about autism, specifically, my experience having it.

When I was 6, I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), but I have since had many people tell me there is no doubt that I am autistic, which says a lot about me. However, I agree with every single person that tells me that, because it’s true. From a young age, you could tell that my brain worked a little differently than other kids my age, I would separate from a group and do my own thing, I had a different way of playing games, and I was extremely obsessive about very odd things. For example, when I was younger, I once ran away from my grandmas to find dormer-bungalows (a bungalow with an upstairs). Everyone was worried about me, because I didn’t tell anyone, I just left.

Even now, I get overly interested in hobbies, places, people, and objects. However, that can be a good thing. I am able to get work done very quickly, and I am able to work with focus. This makes me someone who works with commitment and focus. As much as this is a good thing, it can also be a bad thing. I mentioned I can get overly interested in people, this is mainly people in the public eye, like celebrities, which makes me a fangirl… However, it can also be people who aren’t in the public eye. When I don’t control this aspect of my life, it can get out of hand. So because of this people often describe me as a stalker, which I guess I am, but here’s the thing… aren’t we all? I mean, we all look at peoples social media, trying to find out if they’re single, likeable, all that stuff. We look at so call ‘famous people’ online, and that is considered ok. Yes I can get out of control, but I control it so that it doesn’t go out of hand.

Something else that I struggle with, is telling the difference between if someone is serious, or being sarcastic. This is something that I am always finding affects me. I’ll be talking to someone, and they’ll say something, and I interpret it a hundred different ways. For example, someone could say ‘thanks for letting me’, and I’ll read and hear i as sarcastic, when it wasn’t meant like that. This is something that often causes me to have full on freak outs because I don’t what know the other person meant. It happens when people write something, but I can’t hear their expression, so I often get the wrong end of the stick. For example, I messaged someone telling them I really liked them, and they sent me this really nice message basically explaining that they didn’t feel the same… However I didn’t read it as that, it was because of one line, which was ‘Doing anymore would wreck what we have and I really don’t wanna do that’. I read it as if they were into me. However, I now know that wasn’t true, and I honestly wish I could go back and slap myself and stop what was to come next.

Now I’ve talked about some of the negative parts, let’s talk about the good parts.

I talked earlier about being obsessive, and how it made me a hard worker, well it makes me so much more.  It means that I’m a committed friend, I will always be there for you no matter what. I also keep my word, if I promise something, I won’t break it. For example, when I was 6, a friend told me a secret, and I promised to never tell anyone, we’re no longer friends, but I have never told anyone what it was, because I promised.

Lastly something my obsessive trait makes me, is a strong believer. I have a lot of strong opinions, whether that’s about equal rights to the environment, or politics to health, I have something to say about it. I try to whenever I can to stand up for what I believe is right, which is also drawn from me being classed as disadvantaged. I was put in a box because of a mental disability, people who didn’t think I would get anywhere in life, I was determined to prove them wrong, and I did.

I’m a very creative person, my brain imagines all these different scenarios, stories and people, which for the past few years, I have been able to use to create scripts, full of characters, which in themselves have their own backstories. I have so many ideas in my head, that I often get really sad that not all of them will be heard or seen.

Something I want to talk about it, is my strange habits and addictions. I am obsessed with equal numbers and things going in 5’s, so like if the volume on the radio is 19, I have to either turn it up to 20 or turn it down to 18, or if I go see a film or a play, my seat number has to be an equal number. Something I’ve recently started doing, is when I’m walking, I’ll have my hand by my side, and I get the urge to snap my fingers, but not just once, I have to do it repeatedly, over and over again. I get a lot of weird looks, but it’s generally something I can control, and I mainly do it on my own. An addiction I have, which many people do find really strange and odd, is the fact that I am addicted to cartoons… Mostly children’s. I just find them so much better then adult shows. A show that I am currently obsessed with is Steven Universe, which is basically made for adults but also isn’t. I have so many habits and addictions, but if I listed them all, I would be here for a while. However, it’s normal to have these, autistic or not.

Something I think is important for a lot of people with ASD to know, is that it’s ok to be different, to think differently, to have these odd habits that one else has. There’s nothing wrong with us, we’re just built differently, and that’s not because of a mistake, it’s because we were meant to be. If everyone was made the same, and everyone was considered ‘normal’, then world would be boring, dull, it would be devoid of colour. It’s because of us, the dreamers, the free spirits, the explorers, that the world is the way it is.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a little about, that’s all from me, today.

I hope you have a wonderful day,

Faye xxx